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UM Church

Resources For Those Who Stay

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StayUMC: A Coalition of North Alabama Methodists Working to Stay in the UMC

Stay UMC represents a large group of traditional, centrist, and progressive United Methodists in the North Alabama Conference who love the UMC and believe we are “better together” as we move forward into the future. Our purpose is to work against the idea of the annual conference voting to leave our denomination, should the Protocol for Grace and Reconciliation through Separation ever pass at General Conference.

IN THE MEANTIME, IS YOUR LOCAL CHURCH GOING THROUGH A DISCERNMENT PROCESS ABOUT WHETHER TO STAY IN THE UMC OR DISAFFILIATE? WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. READ THE INFORMATION BELOW.

Resources include letters, documents, frequently-asked questions, and presentations, etc. Visit StayUMC.org for their complete resources [top]

UMsConnected is a "metaverse movement" encouraging UMs to build a new UMC.

The new United Methodist Church is emerging, and it will be a new-wineskin movement to receive and share God’s wine. The new UMC will take many forms, some customary and others innovative.

UMsConnected is a metaverse movement within the United Methodist Church, focused on offering encouragement, support, and spiritual formation in the Wesleyan tradition during these challenging times. Born in the heart of Bishop Ken Carter, it launched in the Florida and Western North Carolina Annual Conferences with Steve Harper and Kim Ingram serving as co-directors, along with a ministry team made up of lay and clergy leaders from the two Conferences.

UMsConnected has expanded beyond beyond the FL and WNC Conferences, and beyond United Methodism itself. It is available to anyone anywhere. To learn more, read the “Mission” icon....

 It is a community designed for you if,

    • your congregation has closed
    • your congregation has disaffiliated from the United Methodist Church
    • there is no United Methodist Church near you
    • you feel “spiritually homeless” and are looking for a supportive faith community
    • you are a young adult away from your original church home–in school, the military, a new job, etc., and you want to be part of a formative community
    • you want to be part of online faith formation in the new United Methodist Church

Visit this community here. [top]

Ambiguous Loss: The Myth of Closure, by Pauline Boss

During this time when some are leaving the UMC, some congregations are leaving as well, those who stay will be facing some loss and grief: of friends, of pew-mates, of family, of pastors, of community. The trouble is, the ones lost are not really gone, as if they had died. This is where the idea of "Ambiguous Loss" can be a helpful concept. Dr. Pauline Boss of the University of Minnesota has written the book Ambiguous Loss: The Myth of Closure as a resource in dealing with this kind of loss. The American Psychological Association has an interview with Dr. Boss on the concept and her book. Here are some excerpts.

She says, "closure has a definition meaning finality. It means closing the door on something that has happened. It's a perfectly good word in the business community for closing a contract, for closing a real estate deal, or for closing a road and after a flood has occurred, but it is a harmful word in human relationships. It indicates that even though we have had attachment to someone or something, like a pet, that once they are gone, we can close the door on that. That's not true. There are continuing bonds as has been now declared in the grief literature and we don't close the door, we live with loss and grief."

Examples of ambiguous loss: "...a person could either be physically missing, an extreme example would be soldiers missing in war, loved ones kidnapped. A more common example comes from divorce and adoption, and so on. Or the person could be psychologically absent. And the most common use of that now is for caregivers who are taking care of a loved one who has dementia, Alzheimer's disease, or the over 80 other kinds of conditions that cause dementia.

"But it also could be used for traumatic brain injury. It could be used for severe depression and other severe mental illnesses. More common examples of psychological ambiguous loss would be preoccupation with work so that you're not available to your family or your partner."

Website: Ambiguous Loss: The Myth of Closure. The book is available at many bookstores: Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Powells [top]

Grieving and Healing

Guilt, Shame, Blame--all contribute to strained, damaged, and broken relationships. One can feel guilty about staying put when one's family leaves the UMC, shame if you think you're not worthy to take your stand, blaming others for the predicament and the conflict, instead of clarifying one's own beliefs, actions, and options. Here are some links that may help:

National Alliance on Mental Illness: Trauma and Internalized Shame

...the Pride movement offers many LGBTQI people a place to express themselves and a community to rely on when many can feel lost and alone.

Members of this community are often exposed to traumatic experiences in multiple areas of their lives including societal stigma, discrimination and repression, and rejection from family and community members. Unfortunately, these repeated exposures can lead to sustained levels of stress and internalized shame, and ultimately have serious impacts on the mental health of LGBTQI people.

Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T., Psychology Today:

Your ability to forgive yourself and practice self-compassion is a vital element of self-esteem. When you carry feelings of guilt and shame, it’s impossible to feel good about yourself. You believe you have done something wrong (guilt), or believe that you, as a person, are wrong (shame). Forgiving yourself will help lift the heavy burden of these emotions and increase your feelings of self-worth.

Serenity Online Therapy: Inner Child Work: Dealing with Shame and Guilt

Feelings of guilt and shame are common among persons who grew up in dysfunction and must be dealt with in recovery in order to heal and grow. Guilt, which can be healthy or toxic, is feeling bad about your behaviors. Shame, which is always toxic, is feeling bad about your worth as a person.  [top]

Stories which can increase understanding and empathy for the harm the official United Methodist stance has caused for over 50 years can be found at these locations:

Bibliographies and Recommended Readings are numerous. Here are several:

Why I Am A United Methodist From Goodreads:

In seven chapters, Willimon examines United Methodism and the ways it has made and continues to make a difference in his life. In an inspiring and enlightening way, he writes of his pride in being part of a church that has grown from one man's experience to a worldwide movement covering the globe with its message. A learning guide for groups and individuals is included. Chapter titles: Because Religion Is of the Heart Because the Bible Is Our Book Because Religion Is Practical Because Christians Are to Witness Because Christians Are to Grow Because Religion Is Not a Private Affair. Available from Thriftbooks, Amazon, Abingdon.

See also this piece by Willimon: The United Methodist divorce is a mistake. [top]

See also My Church Is Being Led to Disaffiliate, But I Want To Stay. [top]