Pacific Regional Conference a Memorial to Phyllis
The Pacific Region of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors held its first ever regional meeting in Hawaii this past October. While this had been a vision for Phyllis since SCCH began, the event was only actualized after her death. It has been several months since both Phyllis's death and conference. This gives us time perhaps to reflect on those memorials and memories that were shared.
Ben Roe, Neal McPherson, Cheryl Jones Cumbee, and Ruth Ann Clark provided thoughtful reflections of Phyllis as brother, minister, colleague, spiritual guide, and friend. Each captured the personal encounter that they had with Phyllis and each shared some universal aspect of her thoughtful caring.
Ben noted what is obvious to anyone who knew Phyllis well, she was a wounded healer. We could see the physical wounding that Phyllis endured produced by the heart condition with which she lived. Ben knew some things about her wounds, which were not so obvious. He lived with the emotional and physical wounding that was embedded in the Roe family. He recollected stories of the jealous older child biting the new child in the family. But, as he contracted polio during Phyllis's first year of life, Phyllis was placed in a position to be a nurturer for both he and mom. Phyllis's younger sister suffered with lupus, which further complicated the family process and create many nature pitfalls for disappointment and pain. Phyllis's wounding in her adult life centers on the sudden losses of persons that she invested her nurturing. A close college friend died in a car accident, then her sister Rebecca who suffered with lupus died of a ruptured aortic aneurysm, several years later Phyllis's father died of the same condition and then the tragic and sudden death of Michael her husband.
Ben noted what Phyllis wrote regarding physical pain: "having such an illness is like being in a crucible in which all of our usual denial is burned away, and we are left face to face with basic questions of life and death-and their meaning. Perhaps the meaning lies, however, not in the cause of the disease, but in how we respond to it, in how we use the experience to learn and grow."
Neal recalled how Phyllis was his minister and shared the ways that Phyllis shared in the family's high and lows with her non-anxious presences. Neal further noted that through Phyllis SCCH became known as "Crossroads West", various church members would come to see her and these members might meet each other at the center. Because Phyllis was so gifted at maintaining the boundaries the church members knew that Phyllis would contain their stories.
Neal was personally touched by Phyllis's healing presence as he shared: "I still do not know how she did it. Someone recently asked me: 'what was Phyllis like as a counselor?' It was hard for me to respond. I cannot describe what happened in those many sessions. I only know that something did happen and that what occurred there was transformation, not just one transformation but many, personal transformation upon transformation."
Cheryl Cumbee experienced Phyllis as her soul sister. She recalled an Hawaiian prayer: That we cherish the bread before there is none,/ Discover each other before we leave,/ Enjoy each other for what we are,/ While we still have time. This was fitting blessing because their relationship had developed over the many gathers they attend with many regional and associational AAPC meetings. Cheryl came to know Phyllis as a weaver and a dancer. "Phyllis was at home weaving cultures, religions, psychological theories and personalities into a rich tapestry of life. Phyllis was at home dancing in the musical cultures of east and west, north and south; Phyllis Roe's life in the creative areas of weaving and dance tells us that Phyllis can continue to lead us into weaving future service of diversity, respect, and hospitality for diverse regions and cultures."
Ruth Ann Clark knew Phyllis through the professional organization of pastoral counseling. Ruth Ann observed the leadership gifts which Phyllis possessed noting that Phyllis was able to maintain an ordinary simplicity to help keep a group calm and sane. So, wherever Phyllis went her leadership gifts were desired and sought after. Ruth Ann noted "Phyllis took delight in the daily and ordinary events of life, like going for a walk and seeing children playing in the park. She actively engaged in her spiritual life, being deeply open to God's ways for her." Not only was Phyllis able lead because she could actualize herself in a dignified manner, but Phyllis was able to be connectional in her interpersonal relationships. Thus, "Phyllis was indeed a blessing to us. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of My Grandfather's Blessings, has written. 'A blessing is a moment of meeting, a certain kind of relationship in which both people involved remember and acknowledge their true nature and worth, and strengthen what is whole in one another.' Phyllis invited us to be whole with her -- not explicitly, but it was in her manner, her way of being with us." In this way Phyllis became a blessing for us.
written by Gary Augustin, Interim Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of Hawai`i, for the SCCH newsletter