 A Message from AAPC President, Margaret Kornfeld, D.Min. Dear Friends- I know that many of you are still reeling with disbelief at the news of Phyllis Roe's death - particularly if you'd had the previous joyful message saying that her operation had been successful. I was aware when I was with her that I was perhaps a "stand- in" for many of you who have had long, deep friendship with Phyllis, and who longed to be with her during her hospital stay - and then, as we now know, at her death. I am privileged to represent you. I hope my eyewitness account will give you comfort. On Thursday I called the hospital around 8 p.m. to receive the good news that her surgeon, Dr. Griepp, was pleased with the operation and that Phyllis was under heavy sedation, but was resting. When I called the next morning I became very uneasy…she had not awakened, and I was told she was "being carefully observed." Although I chided myself for being a "worry wart", I was not totally shocked when in the afternoon I received alarming news that caused me to rush to the hospital. When I arrived, I learned that two tests had been given that determined that Phyllis was brain dead, although another test was to be given the next morning for a final confirmation. It was in the midst of learning this awful news that I met Toni White, Phyllis' friend from South Carolina, who had come to stay for this part of the Journey. (Two other friends, Linda and Maxine, had been with her earlier.) I've come to think of Toni as Phyllis' ministering angel. Thirty years ago Toni and Phyllis became friends as their CPE training overlapped at Grady Hospital in Atlanta. Their friendship has been rich, fun-filled and faithful - and Toni was there to minister to the end. . Please know that Toni sang, prayed, talked, and cried with Phyllis. Phyllis was not alone. I also know* that Phyllis did not want Toni to be alone - and I sensed that my "marching orders" were to care for the caregivers and to be a pastoral presence.
Friday as we absorbed the news, Toni and I talked to Phyllis and cried. Even though our minds knew that Phyllis was "brain dead", she was breathing the breath of the life support and her spirit seemed with us. I rubbed her feet and meditated on mind/body/spirit, and wondered about the cells in the body and the emotion in those cells. I wondered - even though her brain is "dead", do her feet still "know'? Did the "artificial breath" still "enliven" her? . I meditated on Ruah and respirators, and the mysterious presence of Spirit that still seemed to hover - even though we knew that hours had passed since there was brain activity.. At some point, Toni and I knew that Phyllis would want us to eat. Prior to Phyllis' arrival at Mt. Sinai Hospital several of us had talked about organizing New York friends to be with Phyllis in her recuperation. We'd even talked about making her an honorary member of the Eastern Region. So at our sad dinner, I entertained Toni as an "honorary member" in Phyllis' stead. And then we went back to the hospital to sit in vigil and disbelief. We parted, numb. And Toni continued her staggering task of communicating with Phyllis' enormous circle of friends. On Saturday Ben, Phyllis' brother, and his spouse, Maggie, arrived from Denver to begin the awesome tasks bestowed on the "next of kin." I found Ben comforting - his humor and honest presence - reminds me of Phyllis. Maggie, too, is wonderful. She's a hospice chaplain who has the wisdom and skill to bracket her "professional self" and to be present as sister-in-law and Phyllis' long-time friend. Our time at the hospital began with the "official" news of Phyllis' death. The neurologist, after completing the hospital's brain death protocol, declared her legally and medically dead at 10:30 a.m. on June 30, 2001. We are waiting on the results of the autopsy for more information about the cause of her death. At first the medical team thought she'd had a stroke. In e-mail that some of you may have received, Ben says:
Phyllis was an organ donator - and this meant that her body was to be kept "alive" so that the organs could be "harvested". The "being kept alive" contributed to our eerie sense of unreality: Phyllis was dead but not completely dead. However, we experienced it as sacramental time. Even in her death, Phyllis was choosing to help others live through the gift of her self. Our sense of holy time was shared by wonderfully compassionate staff members of the NY organ transplant organization - a nurse and a family therapist - who met with Ben and Maggie, and who consulted and counseled Phyllis' mother, Enid (who is having her own health challenge), her sister, Deborah and her nephew, Andrew. At 7 p.m. we knew that it was time to say goodbye. I'd brought my liturgical stole and The Book of Common Prayer. (I thought that our United Methodist minister, Phyllis, would appreciate the ecumenical twist of her American Baptist friend reading from the ritual of "Prayers at the Time of Death".) Ben had brought with him wonderful c d's. I ran out to buy a cd player and we then chose Rachmaninoff's Vespers to gather us - and our aching hearts - together around her bedside. I then read:
In the name of God the Father Almighty who created you; In the name of Jesus Christ who redeemed you; In the name of the Holy Spirit who sanctifies you. May your rest be in peace and your dwelling place in the Paradise of God. Then each of us anointed her, using our own tears instead of oil, as I prayed:
We then entered into a "Quaker time" of silence, and as we were moved, prayed. At one point Toni began to softly sing, "All Is Well With My Soul", and we all joined in. And then, when the time was right, I prayed this beautiful prayer from the Orthodox rite as we were surrounded by the music of the Vespers:
Let her memory last for ever. (People repeat) Although we had formally said good-bye we weren't separated from Phyllis. We went to dinner, but our conversation and our awareness kept circling back to Phyllis. Toni - who always seemed to have the right words - remembering an Emily Dickson poem - summed up the day:
The Morning after Death Is solemnest of industries Enacted upon Earth- The Sweeping up the Heart And putting Love away We shall not want to use again Until Eternity. But the bustling was not over. On Sunday Ben and Maggie spoke to board members of the Samaritan Counseling Center in Hawaii; Toni continued to write e-mail. I spoke with Buddy Scotto, a funeral director in Brooklyn, who made arrangements for cremation. Ben was delighted to think about how Phyllis would approve of Buddy - a moral, political force in my neighborhood who over the years has helped Italian and African Americans form alliances, and has advocated for the environment. Phyllis's friend Jolene will come to NYC from Hawaii to bring Phyllis' ashes back to her beloved Island. Plans continue to be made and changed. We had announced that Phyllis' memorial service would be at the Church of the Crossroads. The place has been changed to the First United Methodist Church. The date is the same - July 14 at 5 p.m. And contributions can still be made in her memory to the Samaritan Counseling Center. One of Phyllis' friends wrote that perhaps the "miracle" we'd prayed for came in the form of the life of community that Phyllis' life has generated. Certainly, Ben, Maggie, Toni and I experienced intense closeness. Larry was welcomed into our circle and on Monday we all had dinner together in Gramercy Park where we toasted Phyllis, her memory, with la chaim - "to life!" I hope this lengthy report will bring you comfort as we remember Phyllis together. May her memory last for ever. Faithfully, *****************************************************Messages from Phyllis' brother It was a relatively quiet day, compared with the past several anyway. Tributes to Phyllis are pouring in and are very moving (Ben & Maggie haven't had a chance to read them all yet). The owner of the funeral home, Buddy Scotto, came by this morning. He was recommended by Margaret Kornfeld, a resident of Brooklyn, and one of those who have been our support here in NYC. Her mother-in-law's arrangements were handled by this man, and others for whom she has been their pastor. She tells the story of how he was instrumental in bringing together the Italian and African American communities when they were at "war" a number of years ago. He is very active in community organizing in his Brooklyn neighborhood and in the politics of the city. We thought to ourselves, how appropriate! He is a down-to-earth, sensitive man who knows how to respect and honor life. We've worked on drafts of the obituary and a document of the extent of our knowledge of what happened (see below). And we've made and received lots of phone calls. We've continued to process: shedding tears, remembering, laughing. We've done things that help us "reorganize, assimilate and consolidate" (Margaret Kornfeld) what we've lost. The journey and process continue. Toni has spent hours responding to e-mails and keeping in touch. We realized at 2 this afternoon that it was time to eat(!). And about 8 we decided it was time for dinner. At this point, plans are for the memorial service to be held late afternoon, Saturday, July 14, at Crossroads Church in Honolulu, Phyllis' primary faith community. Memorials may be made to the Samaritan Counseling Center of Hawaii. Other suggestions may be made later. If you or others you know who might want to attend the memorial service in Hawaii but are unable at this time, please know that there will be a time of remembrance at the Pacific Region AAPC meeting October 12-14in Honolulu. There may be other services at other places around the country (as we know about them, we will let you know). The hospital called tonight saying that the organ donation process was completed. Phyllis has touched yet more people with life. Her body will be cremated as she requested. Her friend Jolene, who was to spend time this week with Phyllis during her recuperation from the second surgery, will be flying here to bring Phyllis' ashes back to Hawaii. May Love and Light continue to bless us all during this time of transition. Ben *****************************************************A Message from Enid Roe I am Phyllis's mother, Enid I have received most of your e-mails that were written to the group and find much comfort in the many beautiful tributes that you have expressed concerning Phyllis. She was a very special child from the beginning and I have been wondering if you would like to know more about what made her like she was. She was born with a special quality about her. She learned compassion at an early age. She was only a year old when Ben, her brother, (who has been writing to you) had polio at two and a half years old. She would toddle around his bed and sensed that something was wrong. We had taken him to the doctor once, was given medicine for a sore throat but five days later things got worse. The doctor then discovered he had polio and Ben was hospitalized for three months. She missed him so much. It was three months before she would see him again. Phyllis and Ben were seventeen months apart in age and grew up like twins. Phyllis was a sharp little tyke and managed to keep up with Ben in everything he did. They learned to be competitive and each always strived for the best and tried to be the best. Phyllis's father was a Methodist minister and I think our moves helped to develop a sense of making friends and of liking people. She always had so much fun with her friends although by standards she was a serious little girl. She read many, many books in her growing up years and I always thought she should be out playing and running and being more physically active, but she was learning much through her books. Phyllis learned to love through our family. Although not always spoken (her Dad was a silent type of man) we knew we loved each other. She seemed to have a way with her Dad and when the other children wanted him to do something her younger sister, Rebecca, would say, "Get Phyllis to ask him. He will do it if Phyllis asks him." And he would. She loved her Dad very much and he loved her along with the rest of us. Being the daughter of a minister she grew up in the church. We always gave her every opportunity to go to church camps, etc. and anything the church had to offer. She was receptive to her opportunities so it wasn't a surprise to us when, at the end of her college days she wanted to train to be a minister. She met with some discouraging ministers but she knew what she wanted and she went for it. Ben also had the same desire, so when they were ordained Elders they were the first brother and sister to be ordained at the same ordination service. A culmination of many years. We gave her the basic background and set her on a path that included a deep spiritual journey, a committed social consciousness and a world wide perspective on life. And then set her free. Once when she came to spend a week with us she wanted to go to a Retreat Center nearby to meditate, pray and be refreshed by her God. She had told me when she was in Seminary at Union in NY that she would go to a monastery for quiet times. Phyllis seized the opportunities she had, took them and ran with them, making the most of what was to be. With her basic background what she became in later years was a shaping of herself to be who she was. She was a wonderful daughter, helping me when she could and always being there for me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Postscript: I have battled "Diffuse Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma for a year and a half. She would call me often and made the trip from Hawaii four times this past year when she had other meetings to attend and came to see me. She would rent a car in Denver and drive out. We have an abundance of deer and I always cautioned her to watch for deer as they suddenly jump in front of you. I live 5-6 hours drive from any airport so getting off a plane doesn't mean I'm home. I still have 6 hours of driving to do. I was still taking chemotherapy when she went to NY so she made me promise that I would stay home because she would worry about me. I knew she needed her strength for her surgeries so I promised her I would stay home. I give my utmost appreciation to her friends who were with her, Linda, Maxine and Toni and for all the work they did in getting the news to us. They called me every night. Much appreciation to Jolene, who was to have been with Phyllis this week, for flying to NY and bringing Phyllis's ashes back to Honolulu. Many, many thanks, Jolene. When her friends wrote such wonderful accounts of her surgeries, Phyllis said to me, "People don't want to read all of that." She was always so modest. If you are still with me I couldn't make this any shorter and there is still so much more I could say. May God bless all of you and may He hold us all in the palm of His hand. Enid, Phyllis's mother. *****************************************************Obituary from Honolulu Star Bulletin Saturday, July 7, 2001 Phyllis C. Roe brought a background as ordained Methodist minister and trained counselor to the position of executive director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of Hawaii. Roe died June 30 in Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City of complications from cardiac surgery. She was 53. During her 10 years of leadership, the center, which offers counseling and therapy sensitive to religious beliefs and traditions, has added satellite offices at six sites on Oahu and the Big Island. Roe was married to the Rev. Michael Anderson, founding director of the center, and had served as associate director until his death in 1991. "To have pastoral counseling well established and maintained was her hope," said Gary Augustin, interim director of the interfaith agency. He said they would annually select recipients of a scholarship established by Roe's husband for students in pastoral counseling or doctorate programs nationally. Roe was delighted to meet one of the recipients at a recent national conference of the National Association for Pastoral Counselors. The young woman from Chicago is now a professional counselor. "Phyllis had the ability to relate to people," Augustin said. "She could develop a friendship. ... She was always receptive. She would tell people, 'You are my family.' She viewed them as brothers and sisters." Roe, the daughter of a Methodist minister, was ordained in the Nebraska conference of the United Methodist Church in 1976. She was formerly an adjunct professor at Garrett Evangelical Theological Seminary at Northwestern University in Chicago. She spent four years as adjunct professor and coordinator of supervised ministry at the Candler School of Theology at Emory University in Atlanta. She was a counselor with the Georgia Association of Pastoral Counseling. Born in Dumas, Ark., she graduated from Nebraska Wesleyan University and attended Union Theological Seminary and Candler School of Theology, earning a doctorate in sacred theology. She is survived by mother Enid Roe of Norton, Kan.; brother J. Benjamin Roe of Denver; and sister Deborah Strathmann of Pacific, Mo. Memorial services will be held at 5 p.m. next Saturday at First United Methodist Church. The family requests that aloha attire be worn, and in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Samaritan Counseling Center of Hawaii, 1020 S. Beretania St., Honolulu 96814. *****************************************************Dear Friends, Well, this is yet another step in the process of acknowledging the finality and the reality. My heart is heavy. See below, however, for a quote that Phyllis liked from St. John of the Cross. Here is the obituary for Phyllis. May your souls be upheld by the knowledge that your grief is not solitary, that you are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and this:
Stands like a rock That will never crumble. Even in my darkest despair It's there. -- Rebecca Roe, 1978 God bless you, *****************************************************Rev. Dr. Phyllis Carol Roe The Rev. Dr. Phyllis Carol Roe, 53, of Kaneohe, Hawaii, died at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York City on June 30, 2001, following complications from cardiac surgery. Phyllis Roe, Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of Hawaii, was born September 23, 1947, in Dumas, Arkansas. She was raised in Nebraska, where her father was a Methodist minister in several towns. She graduated from Nebraska Wesleyan University in 1969, Union Theological Seminary in 1972, and Candler School of Theology, Emory University, in 1988, with a Doctor of Sacred Theology degree. Dr. Roe was the first woman in the Parish Internship Program in Youngstown, PA, from 1972-1974. She also completed a year of Advanced Clinical Pastoral Education in the student internship program at Grady Hospital in Atlanta. In 1976 Dr. Roe was ordained a minister in the Nebraska Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church. She was a pastoral psychotherapist and a Fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors (AAPC). Dr. Roe was Chair of the Pacific Region and on the national board of the AAPC, and has served on many significant committees and boards of the AAPC. Dr. Roe served as Coordinator of Supervised Ministry at Candler School of Theology from 1976-1981. She was an Adjunct Professor at the Candler School of Theology. Dr. Roe was a counselor at the Georgia Association of Pastoral Counseling from 1982-1988. Dr. Roe was married to the Rev. Dr. Michael Anderson in 1980. He was the founding Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of Hawaii, and Dr. Roe was the Associate Director. The Center was the first interfaith counseling center in Hawaii. The center offers interfaith counseling and therapy which is sensitive to all religious beliefs and traditions. It also offers educational services for clergy, congregations and individuals. On Dr. Anderson's sudden death in 1991, Dr. Roe assumed the position of Executive Director. Under her leadership the Center has expanded to include satellite centers at six sites on Oahu and the Island of Hawaii. Dr. Roe was an active member of the Rotary Club of Honolulu and Halau Hula 'O Kaho'oilina Aloha and enjoyed music, sailing, hula and meditation. She was co-editor of a 1998 book, "Reflections on Aging and Spiritual Growth." During her most recent surgeries for repair of an aortic aneurism, hundreds of her colleagues, friends and family around the world participated in a network of electronic mail, prayer and support. Dr. Roe is survived by her mother, Enid Roe, of Norton, Kansas, brother Ben Roe and sister-in-law Maggie, of Denver, Colorado, sister Deborah Stratmann, brother-in-law Dan, and nephew Andrew Campbell of Pacific, Missouri, aunt Carol Joyce (namesake) of Mansfield, Arkansas, godsons Kai and Koh Genung-Yamamoto of Tokyo, Japan, and a host of friends. She was preceded in death by a sister Rebecca, her father, Rev. Joseph B. Roe, Sr., and her husband. Memorial services for Dr. Roe will be held at 5:00 p.m., Saturday, July 14, at First United Methodist Church, 1020 S. Beretania Street. Aloha attire. In lieu of flowers, donations may be sent to Samaritan Counseling Center of Hawaii, 1020 S. Beretania Street, Honolulu 96814.
over which every soul must pass to reach the kingdom of heaven and the name of that river was suffering-- and I saw the boat which carries souls across the river and the name of that boat was love. ---St. John of the Cross, b. 1542 *****************************************************Messages from Friend and Caregiver, Toni White To all of you who love Phyllis, Your response to the news of Phyllis's condition has been overwhelming. As we bear the shock, disbelief and grief together, so we share a common bond of mutual love, concern and faith. Your support of me as the one here representing all of you has been equally overwhelming. Margaret Kornfeld, a pastoral counselor here in NYC, came to be with me tonight, for which I am grateful. But beyond that I am continually strengthened by your prayers and loving words. Believe me, I am not alone here any more than Phyllis is alone in that ICU. You are all with us. God is with us. We are not alone. It is very late, and I debated whether to send this news or not. There is no easy way to say this, so I will just say it straight. The neurologist did several tests today to determine brain activity. There was absolutely no response. In his opinion, Phyllis is brain dead with no hope of recovery. I can hardly bear to write the words; I know it is terribly hard to hear. Unless there is a miracle beyond our comprehension, we need to prepare to release our friend to the everlasting arms of God. As Linda Rich wrote today, "Perhaps the true miracle is the way in which Phyllis has united us and brought us all together." Phyllis's brother Ben and his wife Maggie are arriving tomorrow at 1:40 p.m. from Denver. We will consult with the neurologist and the medical staff about Phyllis's wish to be an organ donor. I will update you when I can. May the peace of God be with each of you,
I never thought I would have to use the internet to deliver such grave and sad news, but this is the fastest way I have to share this information and to ask you to pray for a miracle. Phyllis is critically ill. In the middle of the night, it became apparent that she was not coming out of the anesthesia at all, and that her pupils were not responding. Dr. Griepp, in consultation with the neurologist, have concluded that she had a severe stroke in surgery, probably a brain aneurysm, and that her brain is swollen and damaged. This was one of the risks of this surgery. Dr. Griepp wept with me as he shared this tragic news. He is also in shock that this has happened, especially since they were unaware of it in surgery. In retrospect, he remembers the time that the machine that registers spinal cord activity went very low, and surmises that this is when it happened, but they were unaware of it at the time. As we have noted before, it is only when the patient begins to wake from the anesthesia--usually 6-8 hours after surgery--that they can really tell whether the surgery was successful or not. Tragically, Phyllis has not waked up. I am in total shock. I have sat at her bedside weeping, praying, singing to her, and alternately begging her to come back and telling her if she needs to go Home, we free her. I have begged God to please not take her, then prayed for whatever the right course for her eternal journey is to be fulfilled. I have not yet given up hope for a miracle. Pray, dear friends, pray. As you have continued to lift her, do so the more. Let us pray for her family, for her clients, for each other. Once I had a minister who preached a sermon about how God heals...about how our prayers for healing are answered. He spoke of miraculous healing where the unexpected unexplainable physical healing occurs. He spoke of times when the body is not healed but the spirit is, and of several other types. The one that struck me the most was that he said the final and most powerful healing is death: the person is totally healed into eternal life. Last week Phyllis asked me, "You know, so many people have prayed for my well being and my healing, I wonder how their faith would be affected if I had died." I am hoping that we will not have to answer that, but I think, dear friends, that our wise, good Old Soul Phyllis may force all of us to grapple with that question. I hope I have not written too much for such a critical message. I needed to share this with the people who love her as I do. Even as I write I feel an under girding energy that can only be the Holy Spirit working through all of you through love and prayer. As I wept beside her bedside, clinging to her hand, two things came to me: "We do not know how to pray as we ought; therefore the Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words, crying 'Abba, Father, [Amma, Mother]; the second thing was that Phyllis has lived fully, loved deeply, served well, and suffered dearly; her body is battered and broken, but her spirit is vital, alive and free. Maybe God is saying to her, "Well done, good and faithful servant! Enter into the joy of my salvation." Another way to say it is that perhaps she is being bidden to join the joyous dance of the heavens. Still, we are shocked, stricken, heartbroken and praying that this life held in the balance will be returned to us. Ben, Phyllis's brother is probably coming to NY tomorrow, depending on the report from the EEG and the neurologist's conversation with him this afternoon. By the bedside, I felt a literal net holding me up. Thank you, beautiful faithful friends of Phyllis, and now of me. In prayer and love and hope, Toni 6/30/01 11:43PM *****************************************************A Tribute to Phyllis Roe I was sitting at our dining table reading Phyllis' obituary, seated in the chair where Phyllis sat last March as she stayed with us when here for a committee meeting. Even knowing what I was about to read filled me with sadness. While reading I was shocked to realize that I actually was sitting "in Phyllis' chair," not only from her visit in March but also in her chair of leadership in AAPC Pacific Region. This poignant recognition brought tears to my eyes, as have so many communications from and about Phyllis in her recent surgery process. Never have I thought about sitting in her chair this way. Phyllis' leadership of AAPC Pacific Region was far too brief as Chair, but she led in myriad ways in AAPC for many years. When she went to Hawaii with her husband Michael, she never expected to be sitting in his chair as Executive Director of the Samaritan Center in Honolulu. But with his sudden death she did sit in his chair and led the center to a strong, solid base of interfaith practice of pastoral counseling. Neither did she expect to sit in Ellen Colangelo's chair of AAPC Pacific Region a year early when Ellen resigned to deal with having cancer. Phyllis' leadership style has been described as open, accepting, thoughtful, calm, centered, spiritual, playful, welcoming, hard working, non-judging, warm, and loving. She was indeed a truthful grace-bearer in life. I am impressed with the large cyberspace community she created even through her illness and death, a community which includes several regions, cultures, religions, and ages of persons. This seems to me to reflect the colorful community in which she lived. We will miss Phyllis' presence, her leadership and her laughter, her passionate engagement with life, and her quiet ways of pastoring and priesthood among us for a long time to come. May Phyllis' spirit be with us as we carry on the ministry of pastoral counseling and AAPC in which she and we have engaged and about which we deeply care. Thanks be to God for giving us Phyllis and the blessing that she has been in our lives. Ruth Ann Clark, Vice Chair *****************************************************…I am grieving...as are folks around the world. She was a woman whose life and living impacted many. She will be sorely missed. Blessings to all, *****************************************************Hello to one and all, For the last year or so I have been privileged to walk with Phyllis as her "spiritual director." Her last e-mail to me in between the surgeries mentioned that she wanted to talk about her spiritual journey (did Phyllis every have any other kind of journey??) through all this. Well, it appears that she found a very competent "ear" -- God delights in talking story with us. I trust that she has always been in God's embrace; now I ask that that Divine embrace tangibly include those of us who are grieving over the loss of a wonderful companion. My prayers for us all, Chris Hilliard *****************************************************Margaret: I just wrote a reply to you and all you have sent to but this system would not send it to them and dumped it. As you know I have been camping in the outback for the past week+. I am totally in shock at the moment. I saw Phyllis the day before we left for Australia and she seemed in such a good place that I spent a lot of time talking with Toni. While Phyllis has been in my thoughts, but I was total unprepared for this news. Phyllis was one of those very human and spiritual people that it is hard to imagine a world without. I am reminded of words that John Martin, a priest/pastoral counselor here in Australia whom you know, recently shared with us in a course in Surrender taught online by Loris and Jules. He told the story of his brother nearing death in Alice Springs (where we were two days ago) reading Henri Nowen and commenting on Nowen's experience with a family of trapezes. At a practice Nowen commented to the brother who flew through the air that it must be very difficult to catch his brother hands--the catcher. The man said, No, you have gotten it wrong. I have to let go and trust that he will catch me. If I didn't just let go and I tried to catch him, I would break his wrists or mine. I know that I have to let Phyllis go and trust that the catcher caught her and will catch us as we surrender. BUT these words seem empty at the moment in the face of the shock I have just gotten. I know you and everyone else has had time to process this. I will need that now. Thanks for your words and sharing. I was very impressed with Toni and Maxine and the others who were with Phyllis and the love and care that surrounded her. I am thinking of them and know this must be a horrible loss for them. Jim Wyrtzen, AAPC Colleague *****************************************************I appreciate Jim Wyrtzen's reference to Henri Nouwen in his tribute to our dear Phyllis. If anybody wants the exact citation and reference, here it is. This meant a great deal to my wife Anne in her final days, as she read it over and over: "The Flying Rodleighs are trapeze artists who perform in the German circus Simoneit-Barum. I introduced myself to them as one of their great fans. They invited me to attend their practice sessions and suggested I travel with them for a week in the near future. I did, and we became good friends. One day, I was sitting with Rodleigh, the leader of the troupe. He said, 'As a
flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher. The public might think that I am the great star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher. He has to be there for me with split-second precision and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump.' 'How does it work?' I asked. 'The secret,' Rodleigh said, 'is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything. When I fly to Joe, I have simply to stretch out my arms and hands and wait for him to catch me and pull me safely over the apron behind the catchbar.' 'You do nothing!' I said, surprised. 'Nothing,' Rodleigh repeated. 'The worst thing the flyer can do is to try to catch the catcher.
I am not supposed to catch Joe. It's Joe's task to catch me. If I grabbed Joe's wrists, I might break them, or he might break mine, and that would be the end for both of us. When Rodleigh said this with so much conviction, the words of Jesus flashed through my mind: 'Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit.' Dying is trusting in the catcher. To care for the dying is to say, 'Don't be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust.'" --from Our Greatest Gift: A Meditation on Dying and Caring John Landgraf, AAPC Colleague Since the death of my wife Anne in April 2000, Phyllis has faithfully, doggedly walked through the valley with me. She has been a wonderful counselor and way shower. Last night I dreamed that Anne and Phyllis and a man, whom I could not identify but presume to be Phyllis's husband, were dining together in a beachfront restaurant. This morning I opened my e-mail to receive the very sad news. I will miss Phyllis. But I will always treasure her wise heart, until I am freed to join the dinner party of my dreams. John Landgraf *****************************************************Aloha new friends, My name is Maile Loo, and I was privileged to have Phyllis as a member of our halau hula (hula school) for the last year and a half. Personally, I first came to know of Phyllis in the early 90's when she and her husband provided counseling to my parents, shortly after my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It was a time of great stress for our family. She came into my life again in 1999 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and we once again called upon her to help our family through an extremely difficult time. Each year, our hula group takes a retreat on another island so we can experience the sights of sounds of the hula that we learn and dance from these different places, and spend quality time together away from the hustle and bustle of our "regular" lives. For the last two trips, Phyllis was prevented from going at the last minute because of her heart condition. We were so sad that she couldn't join us for the bonding time. Nonetheless, everyone in our halau who knew her had great respect for her and could tell from the time we spent together in class every weekend the quality of person she was. A part of being in a halau is receiving a Hawaiian name, if you weren't already given one in your childhood by your own family. These names typically come through meditation, inspiration, or dreams. They can't be rushed or forced, and they are presented to the person after they have "arrived" in our consciousness. Between the time of Phyllis first surgery and second surgery, such inspiration came and thus, her Hawaiian name was born. I contemplated whether I should email it to her, but it didn't feel right as these things are normally given in a ceremony, with members of their hula family there. There is no replacement for looking in someone's eyes, filled with tears, as you present them with the gift of a name to last a lifetime and beyond. I regret that we never had a chance to give Phyllis her Hawaiian name, and my eyes are filled with tears at the thought. Having been a part of her circle of friends in cyberspace over the last month, I felt the desire to share with you what we still plan to bestow on her posthumously, at our halau in the near future. Phyllis' Hawaiian name is Ka'onohiokalani, the eyes of heaven. The eyes are not only literal, but figurative. She was a spiritual leader, and heaven on earth to so many. Through her "seeing", we learned and lived better because of it. We proudly give her this gift and will forever remember her in our halau. Me ke aloha (with love), Maile *****************************************************…I am grieving...as are folks around the world. She was a woman whose life and living impacted many. She will be sorely missed. Blessings to all, Kaye Bowles *****************************************************[Phyllis] has always been in God's embrace; now I ask that that Divine embrace tangibly include those of us who are grieving over the loss of a wonderful companion. Amen. Thank you so much, Chris. *****************************************************Dear Fellow Mourners: Fredda and I met Phyllis in 1977 when we were crew mates on a sailing cruise from Miami to the Bahamas (Toni White was along, too). It was a comedy of errors. We call it, "The Last Cruise of the Ship of Fools". There must have been something about the bizarreness of that week that bonded us, for we became fast friends and, we are fortunate to say, continued so across the years. It became a ritual on those infrequent occasions when we would get together to tell the old sailing story again, each time embellishing it a little and gradually elevating it to the realm of the mythical (where, of course, truth lies).After Phyllis and Michael married, they invited me to stay in their guest room while I was commuting to Atlanta for my doctoral studies. Both Mike and Phyllis were busy writing their dissertations then. There were so many wonderful evenings around the wood-burning stove in their den, swapping stories and weaving the fabric of a friendship. I think that's when I first began to realize what an exceptional person she was. I remember that Fredda and I had coffee in some mainland airport or other before seeing Phyllis and Michael off to their flight home following a conference, during which he was fatally stricken. And standing in the cold rain at his burial in North Wilkesboro, North Carolina, weeping along with the clouds. Once I tried to lure Phyllis and Michael to work with me in Jacksonville, Florida, but they had the good sense to go to Honolulu instead. Later, Phyllis tried to lure us to work with her, and for the life of me I can't imagine or remember now just why we didn't take up her offer. We'll always cherish the week we spent with her in Kaneohe about 18 months ago and had planned to go back when we return to our home in Charlotte from England a year from now. At this point we don't know what the funeral and burial arrangements will be, but if it turns out that her body is laid to rest beside Michael's we'll plan to visit her there. Every human being is irreplaceable, but Phyllis is more irreplaceable than most. What a void she leaves, and yet what a legacy she has bequeathed to those whom she took into her heart. Her life was too hard, and it was too short. Only because of its fullness and completeness is it possible to release her with gratitude and bid her Godspeed as she takes her place among the saints. How we will miss her! Louis and Fredda Reed *****************************************************Dear friends of Phyllis, Although I do not personally know many of you who have been included in the emails about Phyllis sent from New York by Toni and others, I feel bound to you through our shared affection for Phyllis and our grief at her passing from our midst. My wife, Carol Newsom, and I are old friends of Phyllis and Michael. We first met them when we moved to Atlanta and Carol started teaching at the Candler School of Theology in 1980. In the years before they left Atlanta to go to Hawaii, Michael and I became especially close friends: each of us had grown up as an only child, and each of us found in the other the brother we had never had as children. Our friendship with and love for Michael and Phyllis survived the distance of separation when they moved to Hawaii, and then Michael's tragic and unexpected death, and endured, if anything growing stronger with the passing of the years. Phyllis sometimes stayed with us on her trips "back east" for AAPC business or visits with Michael's parents, and Carol and I once spent a wonderful week with her in Hawaii. It is so very difficult to believe that Phyllis really is dead, and that her great soul, warm heart, and generous, loving spirit has been taken from us. It was equally hard for me to accept the reality of Michael's death ten years ago, and I suppose I am to a great degree mourning Michael's death all over again now, along with Phyllis'. Although I am not much of a poet, I was moved on that occasion to write some haiku for Michael, which I read at his memorial service in Atlanta. Phyllis cherished them, or so she told me, and I now share them with all of you in her honor and memory, and his. Aside from specific gender references, they appropriate.
In paradisum deducant angelii- Requiem aeternam habeas. Rex D. Matthews, Editorial Director Haiku: For Michael
Too soon you are gone from us. Your presence lingers. We mourn your death, but Though you have left us, You gave us your love; Dear husband and son, We remember you. You are with us still 6 February 1991 *****************************************************To the many of you I know and to those of you I have not met. I write with a heaviness of heart. I know that I am still in shock with all of this news regarding Phyllis. She has been such a wonderful colleague. I came to Hawaii because I knew how reliable she would be. I feel so awkward maybe like the disciples in John 20 feeling both ambivalence about life's meaning and uplifted by the words from Phyllis' final email. I have a public foot to be strong and supporting those who need strength around the center and a private foot that weeps every time I share this news. I believe Linda is correct in that the power of Phyllis' life to bring people together is a miracle but still sad by this terrible loss. My prayers will be with and for all of you over following days knowing that it is through our voices together that we will find health and salvation. Gary Augustin *****************************************************Dear Family, Friends, and Colleagues of Phyllis: Speechless, shocked, and numb are the best ways to receive this news of Phyllis' death. Her rich, calm, insightful, and wise presence pervaded the room during meetings and personal conversation. Respect and affection where the only responses to her leadership and guidance in whatever was discussed or perceived. Phyllis will not just be missed; she leaves a space which will remain empty except for her quiet presence. Her death brings back continued grieving for other colleagues who have died prematurely and whose lives still ring with energy, vision, and love for our work. Phyllis exemplas that vital power which quietly and unobtrusively holds others as they travel through their transformation and change. My prayer is that she now travels this last leg of her earthy journey in that quiet and unobtrusive way to life eternal. With love to all, Jim Ewing. *****************************************************Along with all of you I grieve deeply over the death of Phyllis. When I picture her I see her sitting in our living room where we had our regional executive council meetings. My cat, Siggie, is curled up in her lap where he spent the entire day. Siggie felt safe with Phyllis. This is a metapor for how many of us felt with Phyllis. Her peacefulness and kindness, her gentle manner, her sense of humor, and her incredible integrity touched my life and the lives of all who knew her. How graciously she agreed to fill out my term as chair of the Pacific Region when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and how carefully she executed that position. My heart is heavy that she will no longer be with us physically. Her spirit will live on in each of us in the Pacific Region and in the Association. Ellen Colangelo *****************************************************The leadership group of AAPC is not as strong without Phyllis's strength; it is not as balanced without Phyllis's balanced judgment; it is not as wise without Phyllis's wisdom. Her listening ears made keen both by her feel for the whole person and her knowledge of the mind and soul made her an invaluable instrument for healing and wholeness in the board room and the consulting room. Phyllis, you will be missed. John Sandel *****************************************************Colleagues, friends and family of Phyllis, I share your shock and sadness. This past March Phyllis was here at the Center for Ministry with other members of the Region Certification Committee. Since I learned of her untimely death I have been searching my memories for some notable exchange between us. Search as I might, I'm not coming up with anything out of the ordinary. And, I think that is the marvel of it. It was all extraordinary. In her quiet, effective way, Phyllis did the ordinary extraordinarily. With her wry sense of humor she could defuse tense situations. Her insights were keen, yet gentle. Her focused presence brought much to our ministry. I will miss her as a colleague and friend. I grieve with you and for AAPC. We have lost a very special person. Heaven has gained a new Counselor. Bob Charpentier *****************************************************Phyllis Roe and her late husband Michael Anderson leave fond memories of compassion, scholarship, clinical competence, creative leadership, visionary spirit and missionary quest. This dear clergy couple models for us the passion of taking pastoral counseling to new horizons and continuing the dream when one's mate and/ or colleague has died. We are reminded to keep the torch burning and lifted high. We shall miss you. Jim Pruett, Charlotte, North Carolina *****************************************************Written on July 2, 2001: I'm sitting here about 7:30 this evening, all the meetings of the day behind me. Now I finally have time to let the tears come. I didn't know until Jim's email this morning that Phyllis had died. She'd been on my mind/prayers a lot over the weekend. Now I know why. My immediate thought was a memory of that afternoon when we sat in the workshop session during the spring AAPC meeting. There was one moment I clearly recall -- a moment of connection between Phyllis and me. I don't remember what the content question was, I just remember feeling, "she understands, she knows." I'm grateful for people who effect us even in split moments of our lives, as Phyllis did mine that afternoon in Atlanta. I'm grateful for that moment in time. Shirley Richards, D.Min., Executive Director, *****************************************************This is Kaye......a friend of Phyllis for some 14 years.....it is driving me nuts right now to realize I am not sure exactly when she and I met. We often roomed together at AAPC meetings when we were both there. I visited in hawaii, we spent time on Cape Cod, and we were beginning the early planning stages of a longer more leisurely visit on the West Coast this coming year. Feel free to read or not read this.....but I am feeling rather isolated from the process of remembering Phyllis. There are those in New England who know Phys.....and yet, there are not a pocket of us who can join for reminiscing and the start of healing. It is a colder place I walk in now. I was so thrilled to be among the partners in this process the end of July when I was to go down and be with her for a week. It has been some time since we had met up at a meeting or otherwise, and the opportunity to assist her, and see her growing in strength was a anticipation that I eagerly awaited. I am feeling very angry now, not to have that opportunity. I am angry that the spinal cord reading going low did not trigger action.....adn yet know that action may not have done anything more than hasten the recognition that Phyllis is no longer with us. Her comment ([passed on to us all) earlier that she wondered what will happen to us if she died rings in my ears. I, for one, am still kicking and screaming....... while I am grateful that she is at peace, that I can only trust that the movement from this world to the next was a "seamless" one for her, that she was prepared for death as she was prepared for ongoing life with us........I am struggling to accept this turn of events. It doesn't seem possible to me that Phys is dead. And yet.............and yet. some of my most vivid recollections of Phyllis are the times we would head off for a journey together while at an AAPC meeting....an afternoon, or a snippet of time......and go sightseeing and visiting. Dear Lord.....there were times we would start laughing over something so silly, that we would have to pull off the road if one of us was driving......and feel like 10 year olds again. There were times that we would be someplace (the Northwest and the southwest in particular) and get to giggling......and other "adults" would simply walk around us.....far around us!.....with utter looks of bewilderment on their faces! I guess pure pleasure and enjoyment is so rare that folks don't know what to do with it! And.....there were the times that we cried....quiet catch up evenings....sadness over Michael's death.....about the grief's that life hands each and everyone of us. And, the tears were as powerfully shared as the laughter. "Full spectrum friends" are such a blessing....and not as common as is needed for emotional health. I always loved it when Phyllis would say or do something that was a bit out of character for her. One woman once told her that I was a bad influence on her, since I was not as diligent as she was, nor as "spiritual" I think I recall the comment being. I think I know what that woman meant....as did Phyllis......she was a woman of depth....adn caring that she wore so naturally..........and as we agreed, I am someone who does not come across as naturally warm as she does. We talked about it as Phyllis was wondering how people see her (do people really think I am that ALL good? how can that be?) But, part of Phyllis's pleasure in life, I think ,was that she also was someone who was not saccharine sweet.....but genuinely so......and also had a streak of mischief in her that was a delight. I know I need to remember Phyllis now.....to carry my anger into the stream of memories and blessings that have been a part of knowing her. I need to find the ways to laugh so hard I have to stop all else that I am doing....and to do the crying for this grief and loss that seems so unbearable now. There are so many places that the gathering service for her could be...and I don't know yet if I will be able to attend or not, ..but I would ask that there also be a way for those of you who are willing, that we share this "impersonal" and yet valuable internet resource to join with me in remembering Phyllis among us. In lieu of her presence, I crave the memories of her life..... Thanks for listening to the beginning stages of my grief.....I know that the peace of God will come......but it is but a glimpse now. I hope to hear from many of you as well. Kaye Bowles
All-Embracing Love, I ask for grace to yield Let peace return. I write this message to you from Tokyo, Japan where my husband and I serve as UMC missionaries. The harsh reality of Phyllis` death has not totally sunk in. I find myself almost mindlessly continuing to take care of my sons, Kai -age 9 and Koh -age 4, (Phyllis` godchildren) , and going about my chores and my work when I will leave my keys somewhere and forget them or start crying as I wash the dishes. I am wearing a t-shirt she sent me from her hula halau and still cannot quite believe that she is gone. I first met Phyllis and Michael when they came to Hawaii to be the directors of the Samaritan Counseling Center. My husband, Toshi, and I were UMC pastors at different churches and since they were also a "clergy couple" , we started to become friends. (Phyllis and I were both born in the "Year of the Wild Boar" which also made us fast friends.) We quickly noticed what valuable resources we had in the community so I had them come to my church to lead workshops, do some Stephen Ministry training, and invited them to preach. I would send church members who needed counseling and guidance to them. Many of the clergy joined Clergy Support Groups which were facilitated by either Michael or Phyllis. Their reputation quickly grew as more and more people turned to the Samaritan Counseling Center for support. One memory I will share is the time my husband and I invited Michael and Phyllis to a Fourth of July picnic on the beach to see the fireworks in Kailua . Michael enjoyed talking about Japanese culture with my husband, Toshi , as Michael happily munched on the rice balls that we had brought with us. Afterwards, we took the wrong road and had a slight detour we finally arrived to where we had parked the car at one of my church member's home. The church members than invited us all in to see their many slides and photos of Alaska. Phyllis hesitated for a moment looking like she would go in but I whispered to Phyllis and Michael to make their escape now and as their associate pastor, Toshi and I would go in to see the slides. Saying that Sophie was waiting to be walked, they went on home. Later I told them they had made the right choice. Michael`s death was a shock to all of us and I remember visiting Michael at Castle Hospital in his coma before he was declared brain dead and Phyllis asking us to talk Japanese to him as it would stimulate his brain. He was taken off his life support and the funeral was held at First United Methodist Church with many flowers around his coffin . (The flowers were arranged and mounted into huge circles which are very common for Buddhist funerals in Japan.) I had the honor of doing a liturgical dance to The Lord`s Prayer at his funeral. Phyllis later had some private gatherings with her women friends at her and read a poem to Michael from "Phys". We all grieved with her. I was a little over a month pregnant with my first child. Phyllis stayed on in Hawaii as the Director of the Center. She was our first guest to come to Castle Hospital to see and hold baby Kai after he was born. Later we had his baptism a Kailua UMC and Phyllis became his godmother. ("Kai" means "ocean" in Hawaiian and Japanese. He was baptized with water from the ocean.) Phyllis often took care of Kai for me and sometimes we both took care of Kai together (Rev. Fujitani once said to us "this child takes two moms!" when we were busy fussing over him at a church gathering at Crossroads one time.) Later I suggested to Phyllis that she facilitate a bi-monthly Clergy Moms Support Group at the Samaritian Counseling Center. There were 12 clergy women - some had adopted children, some of us had only one child, some of us were married to clergy , some were married to non-clergy, some were single moms, and one woman was a chaplain in the military - all from different denominations and backgrounds but we were clergy moms who enjoyed being around Phyllis and found her advice to us very helpful. We later split the group into two since we were so squeezed into Phyllis` office . We shared stories and had a BBQ potluck at my home in Waimanalo. Our photo is in one of the issues of the Samaritan Counseling newsletter. After Toshi and I were asked to be missionaries to Japan, we moved to Atlanta (Phyllis` old stomping grounds) for missionary training for three months. It was in September 1992 and Kai was a year old. We stayed in the Emory Village, across the street from the counseling center where she and Michael used to work. We met some of Phyllis` friends, ate at restaurants she told us about and visited places she recommended. After being commissioned as UMC missionaries with the Board of Global Ministries, we flew back to Hawaii to stay with her and wait for my visa to Japan. (Toshi, as a Japanese citizen, did not need a visa.) We stayed with her for two and a half months but by then Phyllis was "family". We paid her rent but she returned it saying we were her family. Phyllis came to see us in Japan - once with her Aunt Carol and later alone. Phyllis spoke at the Koydan-related missionary conference in 1998 while she was here. The missionaries loved her. She also preached at West Tokyo Union Church (where I am the pastor) and she baptized my son whom we named "Koh Michael". ("Koh" means "rainbow" in Hawaiian. ) We visited the hot springs near Mt Fuji, various temples, and ate sus. I remember her wanting to take a photo of Kai in the Japanese bath (onsen) with her camera that she had brought with her into the baths. A little surprised that she had her camera, I said to go ahead. Even though she was only going to take a photo of Kai in the bath, the Japanese women in the bath saw this crazy foreigner pull out her camera and quickly cleared out! We laughed about it afterwards. That is one way to make room in the hot springs! If you ever looked at her photo album at her home in Kaneohe you will have seen a photo of these famous hot springs with her and Kai. Phyllis truly loved Japan and about a month before her surgery we talked of her coming again. Phyllis and I also talked about how we would take a pilgrimage after my kids were a little older to England, the Iona Community in Scotland, and the Taize France. We talked about the possibility of doing this in two summers from now. Perhaps I will take this pilgrimage in her memory someday. Kai has been very quiet off and on since hearing about Phyllis. After I told him it, he quietly patted one of our cats for a long time. The next day he drew two pictures - one which says "God is light" and it looks like a picture of Phyllis, the cross, and plants and insects which are part of God`s creation. The other is a picture of the planets in the universe. Kai would often send his pictures, report cards, and photos to her. Either we or she would call and they would have long talks on the phone. Kai would always talk about seeing he again. She had promised to go fishing with him when they saw each other again with Michael's fishing pole and the little pole she bought him. She would tell him that they would go to see the latest Disney movie together in Hawaii when he came. She said she would take him out to her beach house to catch crabs. Kai and Phyllis had a special relationship. They were very close. He said last night that now she is playing with Sophie in heaven and watching him. As in Kai`s photo, I believe that Phyllis gave light to many of us. In tears of comfort, Claudia Death is not extinguishing the light but putting out the lamp because dawn has come. *****************************************************Dear friends of Phyllis, I am probably the newest, and knew Phyllis the least amount of time. Coming to Hawaii in 1998 as District Superintendent of the United Methodist churches in the state of Hawaii, and Guam and Saipan, I was so happy to find this clergy woman (United Methodist at that!) who was founder (with Michael) and executive director of the Samaritan Counseling Center. This meant there would be a resource for pastors and their families in my district, as well as for all the other folks who benefited from the Center. Throughout these past three years (as she had before I came), Phyllis led retreats, spoke with clergy about "self-care," did mediation work for local churches in conflict, provided individual and group counseling, did assessments of pastors, encouraged her staff in providing services for our churches and pastors, helped couples, singles, families, etc. We celebrated when the Center counseling became accepted by our District insurance, and more recently, when the Center was chosen by our California-Pacific Annual Conference to be the center for the required psychological testing of our candidates for ministry. Even more, Phyllis was a person to whom I could turn for confidential advice, to whom I could scream or cry without fear of recrimination or betrayal, with whom I could share my reaction to critical circumstances to make sure my own personal agenda was not interfering with my judgment. She was a calm, centered presence...a rock, and yet soft and gentle in her firmness. Everywhere I go, people are talking about Phyllis, and the tragic loss we now have. Whether it is her family, or friends from her school years, or from ministry, or AAPC, or hula halau, or Rotary, or her godchildren, or our clergywomen in the District, or her friends at Crossroads or First UMC, or her staff at the Center (and her former and current clients), all are missing her greatly, and wondering what will ever fill the hole that her passing leaves. Yes, Kai--your godmother Phyllis was a light! The light of God shone through her, and gave light to all around. Her gentle way, her smile, her love of life, are all memories we can carry with us. While I deeply regret the times I could have spent with her and didn't, I feel so fortunate that she was a part of my life. I am so very much richer for it. Thank you, God, for Phyllis! Barbara Grace Ripple *****************************************************The news about Phyllis was very upsetting. Phyllis was my 2nd pastoral psychotherapist during my time in seminary at Emory (my 1st was Don Ziemba, also deceased). Phyllis was a healer. She was my inspiration and model into specialized ministry. I am deeply saddened. I was hoping to one day catch up with her in Hawaii. I made it as far as Seattle. Many of us knew both Phyllis and Mike. They will both be remembered as quality people and professionals. George H. Grant *****************************************************Dear Toni and Friends of Phyllis, I last e-mailed and talked with Phyllis on Tuesday afternoon before her surgery this Thursday. Toni... how happy she was that you were with her....and your walks with her in Central Park...yes, the one that morning after breakfast ....O God,...what a shock...I can't even make my fingers type the words that Phyllis' brain is dead...no way!!!.....Tuesday(6/26) Phyllis had shared her plans for friends and family to be with her in her recovery phase (yes, Kay...we talked of your coming!!) ....and I assured her both in word and voice that Dwight and I were only a heart-beat and spirit-beat away if we could be of help in any way. I can't believe it...the pattern we talked about was "surgery...recovery...surgery...recovery." Phyllis, as I have been touched in our deep connections over many years, would not be suprised by suprising us all. I remember welcoming Phyllis and Michael to their first Pacific Region AAPC meeting in 1989 when I was chair of the Region(89-93) and visiting with Phyllis in Hawaii and the Center and in her home ( and "dog-sitting" for a week also) over the years following Michael's sudden death. I THANK GOD FOR THE DEEP PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH PHYLLIS......HER BEING 'BRAIN-DEAD' AT THIS POINT IN THE BODY-LIFE WILL NOT END THE CONTINUING DEEP PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH HER.......perhaps if I scream this from the highest peak in Arizona's Valley of the Sun(we do have a few high peaks!)...God will hear...I will begin to believe and accept that I haven't just lost forever one of my dearest and best friends in my whole life's experience... and I can begin to release her spirit to be with the spirit of those she loves who have died before her..Michael and her father ..of whom we often spoke....And so.....as I would end each e-mail to Phyllis over these days....I would send love from Dwight as well and I would sign Shalom....and deep love to you, Cheryl Thanks to Toni and other friends for there presence with you Phyllis. *****************************************************To Ben Roe, Margaret Kornfeld, Jim Wyrtzen and all of you. I left Hawaii for Minnesota after Phyllis had been recovering from her first operation and the night before the second surgery. A friend from Honolulu phoned to alert me to the coma, and then I learned that Phyllis was gone. Let me say that all of your comments and emails have been so remarkably helpful for my own grieving. I've known Phyllis ever since she came to Hawaii and began to attend Crossroads. She became my therapist and moved me out of my eighth clinical depression and opened up a part of my life I had never talked about. This meant that I found the son I had given up for adoption 45 years ago and this has become a warm, supportive relationship. Right after I heard about Phyllis I went to our beautiful family cabin in the northwoods of Minnesota with this borrowed laptop on which I have a Minn. aol account for the summer. There were all of your replies. At the end of this week my grandson, Myson's youngest came to Minn. for the first time. It is the most time I have ever spent with him. He is 26 and a great young man we had a wonderful time… I thought about Phyllis every moment and of this great gift she helped me recover in my own life. I regret that I will not be at the service this Friday, but my heart will be with all of you who can be there. Thank you for the many memories and quotations each of you has shared which have helped me mourn my good friend. I shall continue to serve on the Board of the Samaritan Counseling Center and do everything I can to continue the legacy of work that Phyllis so caringly and courageously fostered May we each continue to find healing and hope as we grope our way back into the life which is continuing in and through us. Bless you all. Aloha, Judy Rantala *****************************************************Dear Friends and Colleagues: I returned from a wonderful week of retreat at the American Baptist conference grounds in Green Lake WI to the very startling and sad news that Phyllis Roe had not survived her surgery. All day yesterday and today Phyllis's face has come to me and so I felt moved to write a few words about how she was important to me. Phyllis and I were not close friends but colleagues and I think of her as a mentor although I never shared that feeling with her directly. She was an important symbol to me of women in ministry and more specifically a women who was a significant contributor to the practice of pastoral counseling. I first was aware of Phyllis when she was a guest speaker for a women in ministry class at Candler around 1983/84. I remember observing her closely and thinking that if she had made it in what was then a mostly male field of pastoral counseling that I could make it too. Later I came to GAPC to take a class on women's issues in pastoral counseling that Phyllis taught. I have always found her to be thoughtful, gentle, respectful and welcoming. Throughout the years Phyllis has been a connection with many of the same groups that I am now also involved with...Samaritan, Kanuga, AAPC, and Atlanta. We were together at the spirituality retreat after the AAPC conference in New Mexico several years ago. Phyllis seemed to go out of her way to make contact with others and to always be affirming. Even if I just saw her in passing she would inevitably bring up a very personal remembering of something I had shared with her or some experience that we had together. In every organization she was a part of she did not hesitate to contribute and I will sorely miss her presence with us. I am left with some regret that I didn't tell her what a positive role model she has been. In her passing I am reminded again that there is no time like the present to let people know how grateful I am for their contribution to my life and my work. In tribute to Phyllis I would like to share with you a poem I wrote after the closing worship I shared with Phyllis and eight other pastoral counselors in a round adobe chapel in the middle of the New Mexico desert. A Reflection on Retreat with Ten Brothers and Sisters-Norbertine Community, New Mexico, 1999 By the grace of God, good internal objects are not just a gift of childhood. Ordinary people are sitting there-ten in all. Simple symbols of candle and cloth and earthen jar. "Marvelous ministers" all yet we are a collection of wounded warriors. It will be harder now in the clamor and noise of the city. Thanks to those of you who were with her in her transition from this life to the next and for sharing with us your experience. I wanted to share as well and appreciate this opportunity. Somehow I see Phyllis's face and she is smiling and nodding. Sincerely, Elaine Hoffman, Director of Pastoral Counseling-GBHCS-Atlanta *****************************************************Tribute To Phyllis Roe As the sun rose for the dawning on the Pali from the East, one fluffy, white cloud appeared across the Kaneohe Plains from the direction of Makani Kai. It sort of took the shape of "PR" as it moved swiftly at a very low altitude. At least it looked like a smushed "PR" to me, and maybe to Sharon. Sort of had the 'shape' of Phyllis at one end of the cloud...I think? Then the cloud vanished almost right before our eyes! It moved right towards the highest mountain, and, guess what? There streamed a beautiful rainbow, from the valley floor, up to the Pali ! It 'sprung-up' almost instantly as soon as the cloud left! NOW IS THAT A 'SIGN', OR WHAT ? Earlier, at 3:45am, Venus was setting in the West (which in itself is quite unusual on the Elliptic for any planet!) and she shone with a golden mist just above the saddle of the Pali. Well, we couldn't help but think: "There goes Phyllis, up into the arms of Jesus". A GEM to be received by the heavenly host! We will see her some day to tell her of the Great Kaneohe Plains Event. No mystery to us; just a humble servant going home! It's really tough to accept, but for those who know Christ, it's a natural beginning to the best that God has to offer his children. Jesus said:
believeth on me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and be lieveth on Me shall never die. Believeth thou this?" PHYLLIS BELIEVED ! WE ARE SO BLESSED BY HER LIFE ! Capt. Patrick D. & Dr. Sharon Kingdon Moran |
